Sex After Rape

I've never been raped. I'm lucky. But I've given a man a blow job after he shoved me down and raised a hand to hit me when I said I didn't want to. And I've had intercourse that was coerced, that I didn't want to have but consented to because I wanted him to like me, to not be angry, to not leave me.


It's been a long time since those things happened, and I've moved on. But I've been thinking about what sex is like after rape. Both immediately after--the very next time, whenever that is--and in the long run. I think people forget that rape victims are still sexual people. They still have desires and hormones and fantasies. But what is it like to have sex after rape?


Everyone has their own experience. I can only guess at it. I know that with my partners after those first, unpleasant, coerced times, I was aggressive. I frightened some of them. No one expects a teenage girl to be sexually aggressive--we're the ones who are supposed to be pursued, not the pursuers. But it was a matter of control. If I got them into bed immediately, I could tell myself it was because that was what I wanted, not because they convinced me to. And I did want it; sex feels good, physically, no matter what your emotional feelings about it.


Then I met someone who made it clear that he wanted me, but wasn't threatening or manipulative about it. Just honest. And when we began sleeping together, I found it was immensely healing. We were friends, but no more, except that we were also lovers. (Friends with benefits, before there was such a thing, I suppose.) Sex with him was purely for the fun of it, and I had never considered the thought that sex could be fun before. Manipulative, emotional, pleasurable, yes. Fun, no. But it was. And it was easy and simple and didn't require anything of me other than that I enjoy it. It was a relationship I will be grateful for for the rest of my life.


I don't know what it sex after rape is like. I know it is complex and different for everyone. I hope that everyone who has to experience it is able to move on and to find a way to enjoy sex simply for the gift it can be--not to forget what has happened to them, but to accept that it happened and find joy in what can be a wonderful experience anyway.