Sex After Rape

I've never been raped. I'm lucky. But I've given a man a blow job after he shoved me down and raised a hand to hit me when I said I didn't want to. And I've had intercourse that was coerced, that I didn't want to have but consented to because I wanted him to like me, to not be angry, to not leave me.


It's been a long time since those things happened, and I've moved on. But I've been thinking about what sex is like after rape. Both immediately after--the very next time, whenever that is--and in the long run. I think people forget that rape victims are still sexual people. They still have desires and hormones and fantasies. But what is it like to have sex after rape?


Everyone has their own experience. I can only guess at it. I know that with my partners after those first, unpleasant, coerced times, I was aggressive. I frightened some of them. No one expects a teenage girl to be sexually aggressive--we're the ones who are supposed to be pursued, not the pursuers. But it was a matter of control. If I got them into bed immediately, I could tell myself it was because that was what I wanted, not because they convinced me to. And I did want it; sex feels good, physically, no matter what your emotional feelings about it.


Then I met someone who made it clear that he wanted me, but wasn't threatening or manipulative about it. Just honest. And when we began sleeping together, I found it was immensely healing. We were friends, but no more, except that we were also lovers. (Friends with benefits, before there was such a thing, I suppose.) Sex with him was purely for the fun of it, and I had never considered the thought that sex could be fun before. Manipulative, emotional, pleasurable, yes. Fun, no. But it was. And it was easy and simple and didn't require anything of me other than that I enjoy it. It was a relationship I will be grateful for for the rest of my life.


I don't know what it sex after rape is like. I know it is complex and different for everyone. I hope that everyone who has to experience it is able to move on and to find a way to enjoy sex simply for the gift it can be--not to forget what has happened to them, but to accept that it happened and find joy in what can be a wonderful experience anyway.

A Message to Men Everywhere

I hate to just reblog other people's writing, but this is too good--and important--to skip:

If we *are* so concerned though about young men getting drunk at a party, sleeping with another drunk woman, and later being falsely accused of rape (through misunderstanding, I suppose), then why do we direct all of our “advice” only at women? Why not recommend young men take the same advice that we give young women? Don’t get drunk, don’t go to parties/clubs, don’t engage in any sexual behavior at parties, and whatever you do, don’t go home with a girl or invite her to your room.

You want to avoid being accused of rape? Avoid the behaviors that will get you accused. Of course, that’s not what we say, because our society actively encourages young men to engage in these sorts of behaviors. It’s macho or whatever. Women get the majority of the lectures, and bear the brunt of responsibility in these situations, because we expect girls to behave themselves and keep an aspirin between their knees until they’re married.

If this situation really is accidental, there is no logical reason to blame ONLY the female victim or to give condescending, misogynistic advice only to women. Let’s start asking men to act with a little more self-respect, to stop acting like drunk sluts, and to bear some responsibility for their actions. As it stands, we expect the woman to do that every single time, and let men off the hook.

From:  http://stfuconservatives.tumblr.com/post/1012559447, which states that it is originally from The Daily Get Up, but I couldn't find it there.

I'm a Feminist, and I'm Not Ashamed of It

And this right here is why.